stuff on my cat

YES! a website with no point except the cute, cute exploitation of cats.

This one is for Jason Lathrop.
















For more got to http://www.stuffonmycat.com/

make food

i just had to share this, because i was so proud, and because it was so tasty.
last night hank and i had some friends over for dinner, and i made delicious bacon pesto pasta. oh yes. bacon...

it was pretty simple, but the result was fantastic. just a package of pasta (i used tri-color rotini by wheat montana - nothing like locally made foodstuffs), a jar of premade pesto sauce (you could make your own but it requires a lot of basil and the growing season is over), several roasted red peppers, and about a pound of bacon (more or less) cooked nice and crispy. boil the pasta in a big pot of water - the bigger the better, 'cause you're gonna want to mix everything together in it once it's all ready. at the same time, cook the bacon in the microwave or in a frying pan, and cut up the red peppers in bitesize pieces. once everything is cooked, break up the bacon and mix it into the (drained) pasta, along with the peppers, the pesto, and (the secret!) couple of tablespoons of cream cheese. mix thoroughly!

an' that's it. salad is the best side dish, and some nice red wine goes well, too.

go! make food!

this is the toll

nytimes.com has an amazing interactive graphic up right now, about the more than 2000 men and women (some of whom were really closer to boys and girls) who have died in Iraq since this "war" began. the most since Vietnam.

as depressing as it is, it really makes an impression to look at these people's faces, see where they were from and how old they were, and think about the life they no longer have, and those they had to leave behind. and for what?

new favorite song

so yeah, this is from the "a mighty wind" soundtrack, which is something amazing to begin with, considering all the music was written for the movie, and most (if not all) of it was performed by the actors, not to mention written by some of them. now that's committment to your artform.
this is a song by the fictitious duo "mitch and mickey," and is titled "when you're next to me." anywho. i'm a big dork, but i love my sweet hank, and this song makes me think of him....

-------------

When I’m standing next to you
There’s a song to sing
I know everything’s feeling right

When I’m standing next to you
Steeple bells ring
Only good things
Do I see
When you’re next to me

When I hold your hand in mine
Different world wakes
A new morning breaks with the sun

When I hold your hand in mine
Children's dreams take flight
Through a star lit night
That’s what I see
When you’re next to me

(Chorus)
This love for you I’m feeling
Has a power that is healing
It can mend the darkest hour
With glorious light

When I taste your lips so sweet
I see beggars dine
And the sands of time up and stop

When I taste your lips so sweet
Black and white bend
Every dove lands at your feet
When you’re next to me

(Chorus)
This love for you I’m feeling
Has a power that is healing
It can mend the darkest hour
With glorious light

When I’m lying next to you
I feel moonbeams burn
I see rainbows turning to gold

When I’m lying next to you
I hear Angels play
I see sweeter days
I see rivers wind
Through the end of time

I see hatred fall
From the highest hill
I see God’s good grace
Shining in your eyes
That’s what I see
When you’re next to me

totally "special"

what does it say about me that i spend a good deal of my time watching anime and knitting?
.....
i think one might surmise that i'm a bit confused about my applicable "genre." am i an anime dork, or trendy knitting hipster? obviously, i don't think those two are mutually exclusive, but i think it'd be difficult to find many others who think the same.

so NYAH, i'm special.

dominant? moi?

Your Personality Is

Guardian (SJ) You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented. Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules. You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader. You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you. A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do. You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up. In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly. At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions. With others, you tend to be polite and formal. As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself. On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!

The Three Question Personality Test

fitness plan 2005!!

so, i've been lax in the past year. i have been neglecting my physical health quite substantially. as one might expect from such a situation, i seem to have gotten, well, chubby. hank doesn't think so, and it's not all THAT bad, but my pants don't fit all that well, and my stamina and strength is pathetic.
so! my friend jesslyn, feeling similar to myself, suggested we make a sort of pact, which we lovingly call "fitness plan 2005." we created an exercise schedule based on a bunch of classes held at the fitness center/gym on campus, and have been at it now for a week. we signed a fake ol' contract and everything. and spit on it. (i dunno, i guess that was my idea...)
so far, there have been only minor glitches - our kickboxing teacher did not show up this past tuesday. so we just went and did the elliptical machines for a half hour. jesslyn had to go on a field trip this week from wednesday until saturday, so i was on my own for my first 'power step' class yesterday. oh man, was that ever funny. see, classes started about a month ago, and it seems the basics have been covered. i was mighty lost - do you know how to perform a 'revolving door' or 'around the world'? it was awkward, because there were only four students in the class, and the other three seemed to know what they were doing, while I spazzed out trying to follow the fancy footwork and not kill myself tripping over the step. i admit step aerobics is a little dorky to begin with, but whatever, man. i hate jogging.
in other news, hank and i went to salmon, idaho with a bunch of friends last weekend. ashley's pop has a cabin there, and we all crowded into it and had a ball. lots of good food, guitar playing, and killer bunnies (a card game). on sunday we hiked up to goldbug hot springs. it was absolutely beautiful. unfortunately, my camera was out of batteries, but you can see pictures on a friends website here
good stuff

miss you

i am really depressed by the lack of real communication i have had with friends lately, and i have been wondering if the move away from instant messanging could account for this rift. i've never really been one to talk much on the telephone, but IM was a great way for me to keep in touch with people, since i pretty much sit in front of the computer all day
i just miss chatting with people, i guess.
so if any of you have the ability or inclination, join me online someday, unless you have much better things to do, which I'm almost positive you do. sigh

animals (an excuse for posting cute pics)

I had the opportunity to dog sit a couple weeks ago.
while it was happening it was a lot of work, but now that it's over, i miss her.


Sydney the Austrailian Shepherd

she was very good. and sweet. i liked taking walks with her in the mountains.
i still want a dog of my own, some day, but i'm not sure i'm ready for the responsibility just yet.

gerbils are more my speed these days.

here's dingo, doin' what she does best.

the western montana fair was in town this past week, and on sunday i went with a bunch of friends and saw all kindsa great looking livestock. even a shaggy cattle (aka scottish highland)! there were cute goats and sheep and tiny horsies. i was pretty much in heaven. maybe i should live on a farm and take care of animals for the rest of my life. oh yeah...
doesn't everyone think that's a good idea for me??

town on fire

the sweet-pungent smell of the burningforest is drifting in through my open window, along with the cooling night air. july has turned montana into a drygrass tinder box waiting to be lit. opressive heat and lightning in august make this the fifth season of the year - fire season. it's too smokey to run on your favorite forest trails, or ride your bike downtown to the coffee shop. sunsets are extra brilliant, with plumes and sheets of smoke draping the horizon. the moon tonight was a sliver of tangerine, sitting upright on a soft bed of yellow and pink. our small and sheltered valley cradles the smoke lovingly, like a grandmother.

i wonder if the Nimi'ipuu and Shoshone traveled east of here, onto the Plains, during fire season to escape the haze. but who can know what fire season was actually like back then, before years of "management" by smokey and his cronies. time will heal us - or destroy us. one or the other is inevitable.

the cycles of time in this place are everpresent. change is our tie to the pulse of Earth.

triptastic

because this picture is better, or at least happier than the ones below.
when justin came to visit, we enjoyed an absolutely beautiful day at the bison range in moiese, montana. it was really lovely. there were baby bison, antelope, magpies, and all sorts of wildflowers blooming. i really like spring here. it was awesome that justin could come visit, too. we will go to arizona sometime, i'm sure. hopefully when it is not so ungodly hot there.

not ... happy

so this isn't my favorite thing to have to post.
but it's interesting, i guess.
blue got crushed by a giant truck.
she is still waiting for replacement parts.
meanwhile, i drive bessie, and will rent a car, i suppose, for weekend monitoring trips.
super!
life is grand

so, montana

so, earthquake... what the heck is that all about?
it was my first ever (well that i remember anyway), and even though we weren't all that near the center of it, it was pretty significant. a pretty funny article about Dillon, where the earthquake was (about three hours south of Missoula) was in the Missoulian... "there was product scattered everywhere..." gasp

things have been pretty bizarre here lately. besides the earthquake. got in a car crash on saturday in idaho. hank and i were driving along a dusty and narrow forest service road when we turned a blind corner and met a truck coming the opposite direction. what a stupid thing to have happen. and I got a ticket for it, because i was MORE on the wrong side of the road than the other guy. even though it's a one lane road and there was kinda no way to avoid the crash.

so anyway, i'm dealing with all that bullshit - insurance, tickets, gettin' the car fixed. it's a total drag. but luckily, no one was hurt and we made it home safely. i have some pictures of "the incident" that i want to post, but i haven't got them on my computer yet. next time

it's hard to believe i'm really nearing the end of my master's degree. it doesn't feel like two years. not at all... i don't know how to feel about that. i really think i'm ready to be done, but at the same time, i'm not ready to move on either. dammit, i'm never happy, am i?

liberte

i made a new wishlist on amazon.com in preparation for my someday move to France. the more i think about it, the more i want it to happen for real some day. i'm not sure if i want to go permanently, or maybe just seasonally (who doesn't want a chateau to visit in France during the summers? - brilliant, dahling).
and then i get a grip... i don't even speak French. i don't know what i would DO there. i entertain visions of raising sheep and making cheese, of growing lush gardens of fresh vegetables and herbs (and of course, flowers), and of doing all of the above while impeccably, yet whimsically, dressed. oh yes, my joy at life's simple pleasures would be boundless. i would read the important books, as well as the unimportant ones, and have witty and yet intellectually stimulating conversation (in French, of course) with my neighbors down the dirt lane. life would be - well, absolutely perfect.

i am an escapist

sigh

but who can blame me?

loser

in tribute to Beck's rockin' new album, "Guero"
an entry from the liner notes
------------------------------------

Earthquake Weather

space ships can't tame the jungle
and I feel like I'm giving in
we've been drivin thru a desert

looking for a life to call our own

I push I pull the days go slow
into a void we filled with death


and noise that laughs falls off their
maps all cured of pain and doubts
in your little brain

something's coming sky is purple

dogs are howling to themselves
days are changing with the weather
like a rip tide could rip us away

I push I pull the days go slow
into a void we filled with death

and noise

that laughs falls off their
maps all cured of pain and doubts
in your


little brain

miracle

ok. so this is actually old news, though i heard about it when it was new news. i just wanted to think about it a little bit, now that i have the time and emotional capability to do so (since the semester is now complete - yay!)

i've always had a soft spot for birds. not the tame, sad, caged kind that parents give their kids when they're not ready to take on the responsibility of a dog or cat, but the absolutely glorious free, wild, and exhultant kind that grace our skies, swamps, rivers, lakes and oceans. most kids are captivated with the special talent which most birds share, and which humans can never aspire to in any real sense of the word: flight. who hasn't had a flying dream? and as much as i adore the cuddly mammalian varieties of wild animals, there is just something about birds that draws me in.

the first birds i became acquainted with in my youth were the typical songbirds of new england yards - the cute, pert chickadees and titmice, the downy woodpecker, the brilliant cardinal, the amazing upside-down nuthatches, the secretive juncos, the cheeky robins, the blue jays, the mockingbirds, the mourning doves. when i moved to florida to go to college, i discovered a whole new class of birds - the waders and waterbirds. how delightful was the process of becoming acquainted with a whole new set of even more engaging birds! the herons and egrets, the innumerable, maddeningly unidenitfiable shorebirds, the pelicans and gulls. The moorhens and coots, ibis, roseate spoonbills, and wood storks.

In Florida, though bird life was everywhere and there seemed to be no end to it, I became intimately acquainted with a small blue jay who was not having such an easy time of it - the Florida scrub jay. Fewer than 10,000 of these birds are left in the wild, and while they are naturally rare, their fate is by no means certain, as more and more of the scrubland habitat they require is cut down and converted into subdivisions, shopping malls, and various other non-scrub jay friendly land uses. it was then i faced, for the first time, the very real possibility of seeing a bird species go extinct while i was aware of its existence. i knew of extinctions, of course, but those hardly ever happened any longer in this country, what with all our wonderful laws meant to protect our precious biodiversity.

as i learned more about birds, and more about extinctions, i began to collect and read various guides to birds in north america. when i got a job rehabilitating local wildlife, the ability to identify birds became imperative - you have to know what something is to know how to take care of it. there, while on the front lines of the fight for biodiversity, i discovered the saddest section of the bird guide: extinct birds. in my current field guide, its in the front, as though to remind us that all the rest of the species in this book could go this way, as well. the extinctions marked here are all the unnatural kind - that is, they were created by human activity.

Great Auks, flightless, penguin-like birds, were once numerous off the coasts of New England - hunted for food into extinction during the 16th and 17th centuries. Passenger pigeons, very much like our mourning doves, once ranged across the North American continent, migrating in flocks of more than a billion birds so dense they blocked out the sun. Unbelievably, these birds were hunted into extinction for food, and driven to extinction because the great eastern forests were destroyed as America was settled - these were mostly gone by the end of the19th century. The Carolina Parakeet (that's right, a North American parakeet) met its end around the same time - the victim, again, of an ever-expanding human population. but now we come to the 20th century, when, in our more enlightened state, we should be smarter than to let such precious and important species go the way of the dodo.

the first species i ever cried for was the ivory-billed woodpecker. i don't know, really, what it was about this particular bird that struck me in such a visceral way. i'd certainly never seen one, or had any personal experience with one - it just seemed to me injust that such an innocuous, albeit enormous, bird would have gone extinct because of the machinations of the human species. this beauty was never considered a nuisance, rarely hunted for food, and lived in the deep swamps and bottomlands of the southeast. no, its only crime was living in an area that happened to contain valuable timber, and requiring more land for habitat than capitalism was willing to spare. for a bird?! no, not even for the "king of the woodpeckers," as audubon called them.

"extinction is forever" - we have heard this proclamation enough times to begin to consider it a cliche. well, fortunately, i have the happy news of reporting that this particular cliche (like many others, i might add), happens to not be true! a couple of weeks ago, i saw a short article on the new york times webpage that claimed that the ivory-billed woodpecker had been rediscovered in a forest in arkansas. (arkansas, for heavens' sake) my firts reaction was suspicion. i mean, people told me extinction is forever, and i believed it. could it be a hoax? not in the new york times, not with the cornell lab of ornithology as the source. amazement and wonderment took the place of suspicion.

what happened was this: researchers at the cornell lab of ornithology had read the report of a kayaker who claimed he had seen a very large, very strange looking pileated woodpecker while out in the woods - they checked it out, and as a result went on a year long search for proof of the bird's existence. in testament to the bird's secretive nature, some of the most experienced birders in the country, searching for over a year, managed to catch a glimpse of a male ivory-bill only seven times, and to accidentally catch a video image of one as it flew alongside a canoe.

and so it's true, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, the ivory-billed woodpecker lives, and i rejoice. however, i also harbor doubts. only a male bird was sighted, and as any good biology student knows, birds do not procreate by any means other than sexually. i hope, i pray fervently to the good gods of ecology that this lucky male, who has had the grace to survive into the 21st century, will be luckier still in finding a mate. if he has a female tucked away into a corner of his big woods, i can only imagine their felicity ... i dream of baby ivory-bills

i bless them with all the love and hope and passion that i possess, and i look forward to the days when we can say for certain - "we almost lost the ivory bill, but gaia gave us another chance to save this precious species, and we rose to the challenge. we accepted the herculean task of reorienting our priorities, and rediscovering that what makes life worth living is as simple as the delight of a child, in watching a bird fly."

porkbutt

there are some talented (and bored?) people out there in internet-land
check it out: george bush spoken word

apricot blossoms frame mount sentinel on a sunny spring sunday

i just wanted to put up a list of books i'm currently reading, as well as those i've just recently finished or am about to start (and need to read within the next month or so). because it's a pretty interesting glimpse into my current life...

currently reading -

"Lost Christianities: The Battles for Scripture and Faiths we Never Knew" by Bart Ehrman
"The Chalice and the Blade" by Riane Eisler
"Guns, Germs, and Steel" by Jared Diamond
"In the Spirit of Crazy Horse" by Peter Matthiessen
"Worldviews, Religion and the Environment" edited by Richard Foltz (my textbook)
"Residence on Earth" by Pablo Neruda
"Looking for Alaska" by John Green
"Tao Te Ching" by Lao Tzu (translated by Ursula K. LeGuinn)
"Beginning T'ai Chi" by Tri Thong Dang

books I've recently finished -

"The Gnostic Gospels" by Elaine Pagels
"Prince Caspian" by C.S. Lewis
various random Star Trek novels Abby lent us

books I'm about to start and have to finish in the next month or so -

"Beyond Belief" by Elaine Pagels
"Adam, Eve, and the Serpent" by Elaine Pagels
"Gaia and God" by Rosemary Radford Ruether
and parts from:
"The Rise of Western Christendom" by Peter Brown
"Images of the Feminine in Gnosticism" edited by Karen L. King
"Readings in Ecology and Feminist Theology" edited by MacKinnon and McIntyre
and
"Ecofeminism and the Sacred" edited by Carol J. Adams

i think i have my work cut out for me. good thing i'm only taking one class, eh?

the fiery furnace.

rar

not really sure who reads this anyway, but if you're looking for a good alternative news source online that isn't entirely blog, check out Alternet: The Mix is the Message
good stuff

and in another 10 years...

jaysus i'm tired. i didn't even work all that hard today, i was just super busy with meetings and class and other obligatory obligations. like softball.
my department at the university has this intramural softball team, and i thought i wasn't going to be able to play because the games were scheduled during the one actual class i have this semester (damnable bad luck!), but the one today was scheduled for an hour later than all the rest, so i was able to make it over there after class. let me tell you something about northwestern montana in late march. it is NOT WARM! yet there we all were, freezing our tookas' off for the sake of a little fun-type engagement. let me tell you another thing: i haven't played softball since junior high. needless to say i had very little idea what to do with my arms legs or head. however, being a self-proclaimed baseball fan, i at least had some idea of the rules. this is relatively impressive, considering my ambivalent attitude towards most sports. i like to play 'em, but i don't, for the most part, like to watch 'em.
so anyway, i'm playing softball for the first time in many years (10 perhaps?), and my first time up to bat, i did something horrid to my left shoulder. oweeeee! it wasn't as bad as the one time i went to the driving range and threw my shoulder out of joint, but it was pretty close. it's still sore. i did, however, continue playing a fabulous right field (aka "the stand around position"), and my next time up to bat, hit the ball much better (though it was still caught on the fly - oh well).
however! despite pain and a poor showing, i must treasure this one game of softball, because i will likely not be playing again, since all the rest of the games this semester take place during my class. dam't

stand still

well here i am again.
had a good time down south, despite the place being overrun by "jeepers" (an interesting phenomenon, that made me never want to go back to moab again)

but really i want to post this poem, because i like it
------


Lost
by David Wagoner

Stand still. The trees ahead and the bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission ot know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

good bye

i'm going to moab!
oh, the fun to be had.
i shall return (next thursday)

looking towards spring

spring in montana is a short but beautiful affair

lamento lento

ok, so writing this post has as much to do with being sick of seeing that broken ravenpuff picture at the top of my blog as with anything else. except maybe the fact that i've got a paper due tomorrow that i haven't started yet. except maybe that

i found a delicious new iced tea in the food farm this evening while shopping for brownies to bake for abby's birthday (happy birthday abby! holy shit you're 25!) it is made by long life beverages and is organic earl grey. oh yes. i think earl grey is my new favorite tea. i used to be totally addicted to chai, and then jasmine green tea, but now it is earl grey. i cannot get enough. this is the first time i've had it cold though, and i'm enjoying it. despite the perverse fact that it is called earl grey even though it originated in china. yay colonialism

i'm having a hard time believing it's already the middle of march. what a week. saturday was my dad's birthday, monday was my grandfather's birthday, yesterday was the IDES of march, today is abby's birthday, tomorrow is the "kiss me, i'm probably not irish, but i still smell like green beer" day, and friday, well, friday is technically the beginning of spring break. since i never have classes on friday. hank and i and a bunch of other friends from my master's program are going to moab, utah. for some outdoorsy-type fun. hiking, biking, camping, backpacking, and of course, drinking beer. we are in EVST after all.

my original thought for this post was that i would just string together lines from all the crap i've been writing for school and work lately and see what came together, but i think i might save that for another time, seeing as i've already begun the "memoirs" type entry. not that anyone cares except me, my dog, and me. not that i have a dog. *sniff*

maybe i should insert a short neruda poem in an attempt to be somewhat artsy. this one's about as short as they come (neruda is not one for mincing words)

"Slow Lament"

Into the night of the heart
your name drops slowly
and moves in silence and falls
and breaks and spreads its water.

Something wishes for its slight harm
and its infinite and short esteem,
like the step of a lost one
suddenly heard.

Suddenly, suddenly listened to
and spread in the heart
with sad insistence and increase
like a cold autumnal dream.

The thick wheel of the earth,
its tire moist with oblivion,
spins, cutting time
into inaccessible halves.

Its hard goblets cover your heart
spilt upon the cold earth
with its poor blue sparks
flying in the voice of the rain.

- Pablo Neruda, from Residence on Earth


reading poetry by Neruda always makes me wish i could speak, read, comprehend spanish. the cadence must be completely different in a romance language than in the hard, cold consonants of our germanic english. maybe i should move to spain instead of france. maybe i should move to both. why is it that my life seems to be ruled by dreams of escape? i hope that one of these days i'm going to accept the fact that i live where i do, when i do, in this body and in this mind, and decide to start enjoying myself or something. this whole avoidance of life thing is starting to get a little annoying. i'm gonna go play the guitar now

goodness

You're a Ravenpuff!: You are a very analytical and
ingenius person, someone that likes to invent
new things. The way you look at life is with
wonder, and sometimes you're even a little
naive. But people love you for that trait and
they feel the need to protect you from the
harsh facts of life so that you can retain your
innocence. You are very capable person and when
there is trouble people turn to you because
you're able to stay calm and collected. You
like balance in your life and you try not to
make many waves. Even still, if there is
something that you believe strongly in, you
will commit yourself totally to that cause.
Your weakness is that sometimes you can be
indecisive and perfectionist, especially about
little details and you drive people crazy
sometimes with these traits. With the

innocence of a Hufflepuff and the calm of a
Ravenclaw you will be loved in life!

Which Mix of the Hogwarts Houses are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

addiction

Original Sin


Which Eddie Izzard Quote Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

something to do with the spleen

dammit. am sick again, only this time more than just losing my voice. all over achy, and angry throat affliction. am alternately sweaty and chilled which i can only assume means fever, though i don't have a thermometer to affirm the assumption. this is bad timing indeed. have too much work to be doing that requires good health, and was looking forward to possibly going snowboarding again soon.
cannot believe this bullshit. haven't been sick once since i moved here. guess there is no convenient time to be sick but it's really not helping things now. headaches, and all i want to do is lie in bed with eyes closed consuming water and cough drops. and reading jane austen.
ow

like a chainsaw. that should really work

well well. it seems as though my prayers for more snow have finally been answered. and not a moment too soon, for i was falling into complacency about the spring-like conditions. it's been snowing all day, lightly, but that didn't stop 14 or so of my crazy EVST friends and i from playing touch football. oh yeah.
we rallied from the late night, and all the scary meat and cheese food we'd eaten yesterday at a showing of 'the big lebowski' at shoren's, and managed a pretty decent game. snow and all. funny thing, as we were out there having a great time all rosy-cheeked and whatnot, some dood in a pickup truck drives by and yells out the window "are you crazy?! it's fucking freezing!" well, i guess technically, since it was snowing, it was freezing, but it sure didn't feel that way to me. i was hot and my hands were sweaty even. awesome. let's hope this little escapade will not make me any more sick than i already am though.
some sort of phlegm monster seems to have taken up residence in my throat, but i took dayquil during the game so i was ready for action. then, i had to come back home and take a nap, 'cause damn i didn't sleep all that much or all that well last night. looks like the fun's not over yet, though, because we're all going bowling this evening. but that's IT. i'm totally drawing the line ...

speaking of not sleeping very well last night, i remembered that i had a wierd dream. in the middle of a really mundane sort of dream about eating stuff and working on the computer and other boring things, i dreamed that robin williams died, and that i was really very upset about it. not really because it was robin williams but because of what he represented, mostly - a well-known icon of popular culture who i immediately identify with my youth and had just taken the presence of for granted. robin williams dying (in my dream) was a harsh reminder that things change and people don't live forever, and more specifically, that i would not live forever. one is confronted with one's own mortality in very strange and unexpected ways. it just serves as another reminder to me to make the most of it while i am here. reincarnation aside, i'm not gonna get another chance

birdsong

it's as though spring really is here. everything's melty and muddy, and today for the first time since november i heard a little bird sing outside my window. for montana, this is a pretty lame winter. i'd like some more snow, please

damn those australians and their shiraz. my head hurts. did have a very nice dinner and jam session with shoren and hank last night, though. breakin out the djembe for the first time in a while. good conversation, as well. the dijon chicken was a success, too.

real community and virtual community both serve a purpose i suppose. i'd like to have a more of my virtual community be real community (one i could have face-to-face contact with, i guess i mean), but i'll take what i can get. i'm not one of those who can easily maintain long-distance friendships, unless the people are really important to me. but i regret leaving acquaintences behind. there are so many people in the world that i should know better, that i'd like to know better, but where is the time? simultaneously, what else could be more important that the time wouldn't just present itself, and everything else would be left behind?

guitar playing is going well. considering i've only been doing it for a month or so, i'm pleased with my progress. the callouses are certainly forming well, and it doesn't hurt quite so much anymore. there are definitely still things that my hands are just not able to do, but that will come with time. this is a life-skill i'm working on, here, not just another thing to say i can do.

my ribs hurt from all the crunches i did the other day. i've been disappointed with my lack of fitness lately. i think back to the time when i could actually run a 10k all at once, without stopping, and how, if i tried to do that now, i would fall over at the end of the first k - pathetic. it's really odd, considering i never thought about exercise or health that way when i was that way, but now i think about it nearly constantly and am nowhere near as well off as i'd like to be. i don't want to be fat and middle-aged! sigh

the role of sky and earth were reversed, as one became light and the other dark. upside down and downside up, i was spinning in oblivion as the sun crashed into the mountains behind my back

a poem and a question

first a poem on bad poetry readings, by bukowski
-----------------------

poetry readings have to be some of the saddest
damned things ever,
the gathering of the clansmen and clansladies,
week after week, month after month, year
after year,
getting old together,
reading on to tiny gatherings,
still hoping their genious will be
discovered,
making tapes together, discs together,
sweating for applause
they read basically to and for
each other,
they can't find a New York publisher
or one
within miles,
but they read on and on
in the poetry holes of America,
never daunted,
never considering the possibility that
their talent might be
thin, almost invisible,
they read on and on
before their mothers, their sisters, their husbands,
their wives, their friends, the other poets
and the handful of idiots who have wandered
in
from nowhere.

I am ashamed for them,
I am ashamed that they have to bolster each other,
I am ashamed for their lisping egos,
their lack of guts.

if these are our creators,
please, please give me something else:

a drunken plumber at a bowling alley,
a prelim boy in a four rounder,
a jock guiding his horse along the
rail,
a bartender on last call,
a waitress pouring me coffee,
a drunk sleeping in a deserted doorway,
a dog munching on a dry bone,
an elephant's fart in a circus tent,
a 6 p.m. freeway crush,
the mailman telling a dirty joke

anything
anything
but
these.

- charles bukowski, "poetry reading"


and now a question. not rhetorical

is it better to be a prisoner who is unaware of his being in prison, or one who is aware but is unable to do anything to escape?

rip off

okay. bastards

so i just found out (a little belatedly, i admit, i've been out of the loop) that george "the devil" bush was in great falls, mt today - a mere THREE HOURS from where i live. gee, i wonder why he chose great falls to come speak to. i wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that it would be easier to find a more favorable crowd there to speak to. one that would be willing to pay to hear ol' georgy speak. one that would actually believe all this pap about social security going broke in the next few years. christ, what a liar that man is.
but the paying thing really pisses me off. here's the man driving this country into mountainous debt, debt that the country can most likely never actually recover from, while simultaneously calling for a tax cut for the richies, and he's asking for these people in fargo, and great falls, of all places, to pay for the great priveledge of hearing him murderize the english language. oh excuse me, he's "down-to-earth."

bastards

when snow was here, this tree captured it to use as a dressing gown while it waited for spring. the sky was so blue

a 2nd

b/c everyone needs poetry
-----------------------------------------

cold work

tell me, of time, resounding
in your partial and gentle sphere,
do you not hear perhaps the muffled moan?

do you not feel in slow fashion,
in tremulous and avid work,
the insistend night returning?

to dry salts and airy bloods,
to headlong rush of rivers,
the trembling witness testifies.

dark increase of walls,
brusque growth of doors,
delirious population of stimuli,
impacable circulations.

roundabout, infinitely,
in interminable propaganda,
with armed and defined snout,
space seethes and peoples itself.

do you not hear the constant victory,
in the human footrace,
of time, slow as fire,
sure and thick and Herculean,
accumulating its volume
and adding its sad fiber?

like a perpetual plant, its thin
and pallid thread increases,
soaked by drops that fall,
soundless, in solitude.

--- pablo neruda, "residence on earth"

change

late january in montana... should it be warm and sunny?
i heard that somewhere in eastern montana this past week it was sixty-five. things are changing everywhere. is it el nino? naturally occurring global warming? or something a little bigger and more sinister than that?
it's hard, as the small, insignificant beings we are, to truly appreciate natural systems and cycles for what they are. "this summer was a hot one!" we say, and think nothing of it, really. "there seems to have been less and less snow these past few winters," we note, but what does that mean? hurricanes, blizzards - humankind has been dealing with these occurrances since it first blinked it's beady little mind millenia ago, and before that, when consciousness was a mystery to us.

no answers to be had. but is acceptance the right response to change? no, and yes.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

further, school has started again. my first (and only) class meets today. i feel excited, and ready to begin learning again. i feel like i need to continue gaining knowledge and experience, as much as i can while i still have time and inclination. guitar lessons begin thursday, and i just bought myself a membership to the campus gym (which is really rather rocking, remarkably (oh yeah, alliteration)).
soon, i hope to be on my way to being the person i've always dreamed i would become. more alive.

a view of the dry hills from mt jumbo

inaugural

so.
in honor of new online journal. a poem from namesake
-----------

'walking around'

i happen to be tired of being a man.
i happen to enter tailorshops and moviehouses
withered, impenetrable, like a felt swan
navigating in a water of sources and ashes.

the smell of barbershops makes me wail.
i want only a respite of stones or wool,
i want only not to see establishments or gardens,
or merchandise, or eyeglasses, or elevators.

i happen to be tired of my feet and my nails
and my hair and my shadow.
i happen to be tired of being a man.

nevertheless it would be delightful
to startle a notary with a cut lily
or kill a nun with a blow to the ear.
it would be lovely
to go through the streets with a sexy knife
and shouting until i froze to death.

i don't want to go on being a root in the dark,
vacillating, stretched out, shivering with sleep,
downward, in the soaked guts of the earth,
absorbing and thinking, eating each day.

i do not want for myself so many misfortunes.
i do not want to continue as root and tomb,
just underground, a vault with corpses
stiff and cold, dying of distress.

that is why monday day burns like petroleum
when it sees me coming with my jailbird face,
and as it passes it howls like a wounded wheel,
and it takes hot-blooded steps toward the night.

and it pushes me into certain corners, into certain moist houses,
into hospitals where the bones stick out the windows,
into certain shoestores with a smell of vinegar,
into streets as frightening as chasms.

there are brimstone-colored birds and horrible intestines
hanging from the doors of the houses that i hate,
there are dentures left forgotten in a coffeepot,
there are mirrors
that ought to have wept from shame and fright,
there are umbrellas everywhere, and poisons, and navels.

i walk around with calm, with eyes, with shoes,
with fury, with forgetfulness,
i pass, i cross by offices and orthopedic shoestores,
and courtyards where clothes are hanging from a wire:
underdrawers, towels and shirts that weep
slow, dirty tears.

--- pablo neruda, "residence on earth"